A Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with a Single... Six Hour Wait

"Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious."
~ Rumi ~

Misconceptions in Milpitas: After a weekend of rugged couch surfing in San Francisco and going to see some sexy sequoia trees, I got dropped off in Milpitas. I was quite eager to get on the road, catch a few long rides, and hopefully be out of California by nightfall. Little did I know that my dreams of a quick trip to Colorado would be dashed against the proverbial rocks. It was around 8:30 am that morning when I stuck my thumb out and started watching the cars go by on the highway on-ramp. The prospect of getting a ride seemed very likely, as there was plenty of traffic going my way. After the first hour, I was pretty sure that a lot of these people were just on their way to work, and it probably didn't make sense for them to stop and offer a ride. After the third hour, I had begun to notice a trend in the type of cars in this area; they were all very expensive. Now I know that correlation does not imply causation, but when you're sitting on the side of the road and you keep seeing luxury car after luxury car pass you by, you start to wonder. When I called one of my friends and told her about my situation, she proposed that it was because my hair was rather long and that I probably looked like a hippie. And as we all know, wealthy people and hippies are natural enemies.

Here is a dramatic reenactment of what I looked like that morning.

(Picture couplehalloweencostumes.com)



Luckily, I had come prepared for this possibility. I quickly stripped down to my Spaceman Spiff undies, cut my own hair (like a boss), pulled out my three piece, custom tailored Giorgio Armani suit, retrieved my top hat, and brandished my cane.

I also made sure Batman's adornments of wealth and affluence were properly in place.

My foresight had also lead me to bring along a leather armchair and two copies of the Wall Street Journal. Batman and I made quite the dashing pair of industrious young chaps, and it wasn't long until a limousine pulled over on the side of the road and offered us a ride (I'm not making this part up. An actual limo stopped to give a hitch hiker and his pitbull a lift). Unfortunately, I had to turn down the driver's offer as he was only going about ten miles north and I was still optimistic about catching a ride with someone going a good, long distance. Looking back, I should have taken the limo, even if it had been going in the wrong direction, it would have been an awesome story. Oh well, live and learn I suppose.
My optimism about catching a ride slowly diminished as the hours continued to crawl by. Time moves at a snail's pace when you have nothing to do but watch cars pass you by and try to keep the fire of hope alive in a dog who is slowly dying of boredom. After five hours, I began to wonder if I was going to have to call a friend and stay another night in the Bay. I really didn't like the idea, so decided I would stick it out until midnight if need be. Luckily for us, another generous soul pulled over and after six hours of waiting, Batman and I were finally on the road.

John & Jon: The first two rides on my trek back to Colorado were so similar that it is hard for me to distinguish them in my mind. Batman agrees, and confesses that these two gentlemen even smelled oddly familiar. In spite of having my notes here in front of me, I still feel as though I'm confusing all the details concerning these two guys.


John (Jim): Jim was a carpenter, who drove a truck with tons of tools in the back. He was an overweight white guy in his late thirties, early forties. This was a pretty short ride up to Dublin CA. and after the initial introductions and telling him a bit about myself, we didn't really talk much. Honestly there isn't much to say about Ol' Jimbo. He did brag about how many girls his nephew had slept with, and then he asked about my exploits with the female persuasion. I informed him that I was in fact a virgin and inquired if he would be so kind as to enlighten me on the basics of the birds and the bees. He proceeded to show me several diagrams and illustrations, all of which were very strange and confusing. I began to wonder if he wasn't really a carpenter at all, but actually a closet middle school teacher. I could imagine his life-long struggle perfectly in my mind's eye. The way the children had ostracized him when they discovered his love for giving out busy-work, and writing on overhead projectors. The silent uncomfortable dinners after his mother had found the lesson plans hidden under his mattress. What is it going to take for us as a society to learn that middle school teachers are people too?

...Hey, stop your shoving! Okay okay, I admit it, none of that sex education or middle school stuff actually happened. I just ended up telling him that the girls in California were very beautiful and then we barely talked the rest of the way...so...yeah...now you know the real story.... I was just trying to liven things up a bit. No need to get so violent...Does picking on people smaller than you make you feel good about yourself?... (shakes head)... You're a real class act, you know that?

(Anyways... On with the story!) I had another two hours wait in Dublin, CA. before I was struck with a severe case of Déjà vu.


Jon (Steve): Steve was a plumber who drove a truck with tons of tools in the back. He was an overweight white guy in his late thirties, early forties. One thing I noticed that did set him apart from John, I mean Jim, was that he seemed to know the lyrics to a lot of the top forty type songs that were playing on the radio. The sort of songs I would expect a college freshman girl to enjoy listening to. He must have noticed the quizzical look on my face as I watched him sing along with Lady Gaga. All of a sudden, magically, he had a "daughter" who was always leaving "her station" on in "his car". Sure Steve...sure...we all believe you buddy.


Steve would end up dropping me off at a rest stop on Highway 5. Having never tried to hitch a ride from a rest stop before, I hoped that there would be a good amount of in and out traffic (sexual innuendo?) and that someone would see me upon exiting the highway, have some time to consider the awesome karmic rewards they would reap for helping a wayward traveler, and then invite me to join them on their way to Southern California. Unfortunately, this would not be the way things ended up...

Next time on Wondergasm!...

Mayhem! Men and dogs standing on the side of the road as equals! Chaos! Lots of people not picking us up! Anarchy! Even more hot, gratuitous waiting on the side of the road action! Mild feelings of malcontent! Sex, drugs and tax evasion! And so so so much more!

Also: The Wondergasm! Project has been accepted by Kickstarter.com and launched on Dec. 9th, 2011. We have a limited time frame to fund the project, so please check it out.
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/alexcanby/wondergasm-hitch-hiking-and-couch-surfing-across-a
  

Batman and Alex Decide to Believe in Something New

Batman and his couch surfing buddy Maki

The Wondergasm begins!!!!

May 7th, 2010 - I wake from a restless sleep, nervous and still somewhat shocked that I'm about to hitch hike across the country. My friend Matt drives me out to I-25 and unceremoniously abandons me. He didn't even stop his truck! It totally reminded me of that scene in Terminator 2 when the T-1000 jumps from his motorcycle onto the helicopter, cracks through the windshield with his head and then slides in all silver-liquid-like and tells the driver to "Get out." Matt was even wearing the same motorcycle cop uniform (which I thought was odd) with the reflective mirror sunglasses and everything. I was terrified as I leaped from his speeding truck, with my enormous backpack strapped to me and Batman in my arms, but as my feet hit the ground I realized that the truck was actually parked nicely outside of a gas station. The sun was shining and the sky was clear. I was going to be okay. All of my wild imaginings seemed to vanish with one little step down from his truck. (except Matt's motorcycle cop uniform, I still don't quite know what was going on there). And all of my screaming and crying, it seems, had been all for naught. Matt even gave me a hug before he left, and then it was just Batman and I, about to hitch hike almost 1,300 miles across the United States. As I watched Matt's truck turn onto I-25, heading south, there was only one thought on my mind... how the hell am I supposed to do this? I had read up on safety tips, and the what to bring lists, but somehow I had missed the part about what you need to do to get a ride. My first inclination was to sit near the ramp where people got off the highway with my little sign saying Headed to Portland, OR. which Marisa had so kindly printed out and laminated for me. But as I sat and watched the traffic move past and turn either towards Firestone or Longmont, I realized I needed to relocate.

I walked toward the highway on ramp and caught sight of another hitch hiker. He waved, calling out to me and ambled over wearing his over sized backpack. He looked to be in his late fifties, about half of his teeth were missing from his smile and skin was red and ruined. He was exceedingly happy to meet me and offered to make me some coffee, coffee grounds being the only food he had. I instead offered him a granola bar and informed him that this was my first time out hitch hiking. It turned out that Greg has been hitch hiking around America for the past 8 years, ever since he got out of jail for drug trafficking. He ended up being a wealth of information, a vagabonding Yoda of sorts. He proceeded to give me a run down of the tips and tricks that I would need along my journey. His first piece of advice was "Don't talk to folks about religion. That's why I'm here, I couldn't keep my mouth shut on my last ride so they dropped me off early. By the way, do you have a relationship with Jesus?" He continued to give me lots of good and interesting advice, like always wait on the on ramp to the highway where people can see you and have room to stop, and never hitch hike on highway 101, and that my sign was nice but people would be intimidated by long distances (i.e. Colorado to Oregon), and then he stopped for moment and closed his eyes. Almost thirty seconds later, he opened them again and said "Well, God just told me I should move on down to the next exit and let you have this ramp." I didn't quite know what to say other than thank you, and with that Greg was on his way. I almost expected him to vanish into thin air, but no such luck. Batman and I walked up to the I-25 on ramp and sat, stuck out our thumbs and 15 minutes later we were on the road.

As we've journeyed across the U.S. I've been asked one question time and time again. Why? Why hitch hike to Oregon? Why sell and give away everything you own? Why? To be honest, there were lots of motivations, adventure, excitement, experience, meeting new people, seeing new sights, but there is only one real underlying reason. An inadequate self image. That might not make much sense, but hear me out. For years it has been apparent to me that many of the people in my life have grossly inaccurate estimations of what they are capable of achieving. I have friends who barely ever date, and not because they don't want to, and not because they're ugly or stupid, and not because they are incapable of having wonderful relationships, but because they don't think girls will like them, so they don't try. And that is just one small example of the ways in which an inadequate self image can rob people of a life more in line with their desires and capabilities. So to bring this reasoning full circle, I came to the conclusion a while back that I too suffered from an inadequate self image. And if that were true, that means I am capable of much more than I think I am. So I decided to believe in something new, something out of sync with what I usually believe. I decided to believe that I was wrong. I was wrong about myself. Once I started acting on this belief, I found that I stopped asking myself "Can I do this?", and just started assuming that I could. So why give everything away? Why hitch hike across America? It's simple really... I've always wanted to, and until now I was under the impression that I wouldn't be able, but thankfully, I was right about being wrong.

For the sake of not having this entry go on forever, I'm just going to add some pictures, and continue to try and catch up with my experiences thus far in future blogs. Enjoy.

Mount Hood at sunset.

It was cold in Utah and Batman was shivering as we ate breakfast, so I put my sweater on under his backpack. It seemed to do the trick.

Batman in Burger King at 2am. Ask for forgiveness, rather than permission. ;)

The sun reflecting off of Windmills at Sunrise.

Batman running up to get in our next ride.

Some interesting art at a free gallery in Downtown Portland.

Batman running free at Mt. Tabor, which is essentially a mountain/leash free dog park. It's huge!.

More fun at Mt. Tabor

Batman waiting for the bus at midnight.

Batman's first tram ride.

Oregon wilderness.

Portland's motto is "Keep Portland Weird". This guy in his shiny gold stretch pants with army boot is just doing his part.

Most of Portland's fountains are made to be played in.