Imagination + Exploration = Wondergasm!

"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult." Seneca

Why I left the Bay (and lots of nonsense in parentheses): Mountain View, CA. - Monday, September 26, 2011 - 10:34 am EXACTLY:

(Note to reader. There is a strong possibility that it was not 10:34, though I'm pretty sure the year was 2011...Now, on with the completely factual account of that morning.)

I awoke with an unusual anxiety worming around in my gut. It was a feeling I thought I had rid myself of when I left Colorado (or as a pirate would say "Me home town" though there are very few pirates in Colorado). It was the distinct desire to GTFO (This means Get The Fuck Out, for those of you who aren't in the know, or Get The Fudge Out, for you wholesome types, and Get The Funk Out for those of you who get down on the dance floor). This was surprising, to say the least, as I had no inclinations during the previous week or even the previous night that I might want to get up and go. Honestly, it kinda scared me, as these sorts of impulses tended to dig at me until they were satiated. I had just moved into a new apartment, my boot camp classes at Coupons.com were ramping up, and everything was great at Google. So why this sudden urge to vacate the premises? I decided I would meditate on it and think on it (and nap on it) until I had a clear picture in my mind as to what I really wanted. I stayed in my room until hunger finally drove me out at 2:30 (EXACTLY). Despite all of my deliberations, and concerns and counter-arguments, the feeling remained. Even though everything was going swimmingly, there were some things that needed to change for me, as a writer, as an individual and as a magician who performs at children's birthday parties (a little known part of my dark and mysterious past). The underlying issue was that I didn't feel like I would be motivated to make these changes while living in the lap of Google luxury. The other thing that had become apparent to me during the last few contemplative hours, was that I missed it. The thought of giving or throwing away most of the things I own, and getting back on the road with Batman (My cross-eyed pitbull who was sent from the future by Jesus, to protect me on my holy mission against the arch-demon Justin Bieber) was really exciting. There was no more denying it. It was time for me to go.

The Ghost of Hitch Hikers Past: As I began to prepare for the first leg of my trip back to Colorado, I was visited by a ghastly spectre from days long gone. It was the spirit of... (Alex aims the flashlight up under his chin and speaks in an ominous voice) GREG THE DRIFTER! (No, not drifting like in Fast and Furious 2, Tokyo Drift, though that would be cool) For those of you who haven't heard the story of my first day out as a hitch hiker, Greg was a sixty-some year old man who had been hitchin' around the country for the past eight years after getting out of jail for drug trafficking. He was missing half his teeth and would have mysterious, and seemingly in-depth, conversations with God. So while I was plotting my course out of California, I heard his voice, all wavy and spooky like, say to me "Dear Ol' Chap, you mustn't traverse down the road they call One O' One" (Highway 101, for you who don't speak ghostly hobo nonsense) "All who wander that path are doomed I say, and cursed and hogswaddled!" (For some reason Greg now spoke in an British accent) All silliness aside, this was an actual piece of advice Greg had given me on my first day out. And the way he presented it, made it seem like a rule that must never be broken. Now I am not a superstitious person, but I wasn't about to go against the advice of someone who conversed regularly with the creator of the universe.

God, pictured here:

(Picture FreakingNews.com)

Not to be confused with Kratos, the God of War, pictured here:

(Photo SodaHead.com)

Also not to be confused with Godzilla, pictured here:

(Picture TheStuff.com)

(It would have been far cooler if Greg had mental conversations with Godzilla)

And finally, not to be confused with Morgan Freeman, who is not pictured here: 

(Photo TheJay.com)

(I repeat, this is not Morgan Freeman. This is the artist formally known as Val Kilmer)

Heeding Greg's infinite wisdom and not taking 101 meant I was going to need to take shorter rides to several connecting highways, and weave my way south east across California after a short jaunt north. I would leave from Milpitas, going up 680 to 580 until it connected with Highway 5. Oh the lengths I go to follow the rambling advice of a possibly insane homeless man. 

Next time on Wondergasm!...


Will Alex and Batman catch a ride in Milpitas? Are they still in California, starving to death on the side of the road? Does Batman know that Alex secretly has a crush on him? Does Alex know that Batman can smell laughter from three miles away? All this and more on the next installment of Wondergasm! 

P.S. You're hot.

Batman and Alex On The Road To Portland (Part 2)

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.”
~Dr. Seuss~

So the last we heard, our intrepid adventurers had faced the treacherous Tim and his pleather palace, and stepped fourth once more onto the road of destiny....or maybe we should call it the road of wonders...I guess take your pick. Now on with the show! 

Zach the Garlic Farmer: (Tremonton, UT to Pendleton, OR) This was by far the longest ride I caught going to Portland. I spent 8 hours riding approximately five hundred miles with Zach. He was an extremely laid back individual who had two new born baby businesses. A pest control business in Salt Lake City and a garlic farm in Washington on some land that he had inherited. So for Zach, picking up a hitch hiker was a blessing and a half, as the ride to and from his entrepreneurial endeavors could be quite lonely. One of the methods he used to pass the time along the way was to smoke copious amounts of pot. He was nice enough to roll down the window, though I wasn't as concerned for myself as I was about the possible effects on Batman... I imagine Batman getting a contact high would be entertaining to say the least, but I wasn't sure I wanted to do that experiment on the road in the middle of Idaho.

Ned: (Pendleton, OR to B.F.E., OR) I don't actually remember his name, but Ned will do the trick. Short ride with a nice guy. Had a dog that looked like it was in a comma. It did not move once, not even when Batman jumped in and began sniffing him.

B.F.E.: If you don't know what B.F.E is, (In my best Mr. T voice) you better educate yourself, fool!

Ray the Disgruntled Railroad Worker: (B.F.E OR to Cascade Locks, OR) So there was very little traffic pulling off the highway in B.F.E, but luckily I encountered another road warrior named....well I really don't remember. He informed me, that in Oregon you can hitch hike out on the highway and the police officers don't give a "rat's fat ass". So after about 3 hours of waiting, I walked out onto the shoulder of the highway with my thumb held high. I probably walked for a half an hour before a kind gentleman pulled off to the side and offered to give me a ride to Cascade Locks (about 100 miles or so) for twenty bucks. It was very hot outside, so I opted to pay and ride. Ray was an interesting fellow, and by interesting I mean he was angry about everything. This character trait of his shown through most clearly by the fact that his favorite word was "fuckin". The fuckin government, the fuckin railroad, my fuckin brother, my fuckin ex-wife. There was a lot of fuckin in this man's life and he was happy to tell me about it....wait that didn't come out right. Anyways, other than the immense amount of complaining he did, he was nice enough to Batman and I and offered to go a little out of his way to get us closer to Portland.

Cascade Locks: A really beautiful location, even at night when I arrived. There was a minor artifact here called the Bridge of the Gods. I'm not sure the bridge was worthy of the name, but the river it spanned and the area surrounding it surely was. Totally lush and a wonder to behold in the moonlit hours as we looked for the next locale to catch a ride. Sadly, this was not meant to be. Late night hitching is quite challenging as I think most drivers have visions of horror movies as they see me standing on the side of the road with my grizzly beard, my ferocious cross-eyed pitbull, and my chainsaw. So I decided to splurge on a hotel room, as there were no truck stops to sneak into. I tied Batman to a tree a good distance from the Hotel, which was wise as he quickly decided to bark and whine like a banshee as I walked away. I got my room key and went back to retrieve Batman, not having not told the lady at the front desk that a dog would be staying with me. Batman and I covertly made our way up to our room on the third floor, avoiding all of the security cameras, barb wired fences and the pressure sensitive floor tiles. Batman had to kill a security guard, but I'm sure he deserved it. Once in our room, we spent the night lounging on our queen sized bed and watching HBO. It was a glorious occasion. In the morning I made sure I woke early enough to partake in the continental breakfast. There were quite a few people who shot me an odd glance as I piled up three plates with food and carefully took them back to my room. It was Batman's first time eating biscuits and gravy, bacon, waffles and scrambled eggs all in one sitting. I know that might be a bit much, but I'm sure he deserved it. There was only one maid on the way out that managed to catch a look at Batman, but I used my mannish charms to sway her into not telling on us. And by mannish charms I mean crying a lot and begging for pity.

Michael: (Cascade Locks, OR to Troutdale, OR) This was a quick, half an hour ride that was pretty uneventful...."But why not spice it up with the power of imagination?" you ask....Well kids, imagination can be dangerous. Sure, you're a kid and you're running around the yard, a cooking pan on your head and a blanket doubling as a cape tied around your neck. Life is grand...but try getting away with this as an adult! Make no mistake, you will be ostracized and looked down upon for engaging in this type of activity. Trust me, I know. "But Alex!" you cry, "Can't you please add just a little creativity to this part of the story? It's so boring. It makes us want to cut our eyes out and impale ourselves on a fence post just so we'll feel something!" Okay, okay, fine! I'll make something up about Michael, but read on at your own risk....So Michael was obviously a werewolf. His clothes were torn up and dirty from the full moon the night before and his face and hands were covered in dried blood. Boy did he have some interesting stories to share. I was also surprised to discover that werewolves can speak to dogs. So for most of the ride, it was just Michael and Batman, chatting it up. I really felt left out. At the end of the ride I mustered the courage to ask him if he would bite me so I too could be come a werewolf. He then said he normally would, but after the things Batman had told him about me, he didn't think I would be a good fit for the werewolf community....There are you all happy now?! See what happens when you make me use my imagination!!! Bad things. Really bad things. No one enjoyed that! Why would a werewolf pick up a hitch hiker? That makes no sense at all!

Mary and Pattie: (Troutdale, OR to Portland, OR) This was probably the most unexpected of all of my rides. Mary was a 62 year-old woman and Pattie was her 84 year-old mother. As I got settled in the car, they quickly began explaining why they had decided to pick me up. It just so happened to be Mother's day and that morning they, both being mothers, had agreed to go a little wild, jump in the car and see where it took them. "We're on a Mother's Day adventure!" Mary exclaimed proudly. Both of them were delighted to hear my story and went out of there way to find out where the nearest hostel was located in Portland. They dropped me off in the Chinatown district of Portland and my first hitch hiking experience came to an end. Wow. The world wasn't as scary as I had been led to believe...maybe talking to strangers wasn't such a bad thing after all.

A shiny building in Portland...I like shiny things. :)

Some more wicked art that was on display in Portland.

Batman and Alex: On The Road To Portland (Part 1)

"If the clock appears to move faster than it did in the sixth grade, it is only because we haven't actualized our power as adults to set our own recess schedule."

~ Rolf Potts ~

...so where did we leave off? Oh yeah, my first ride. 

(magical wavy dream-like effect activate!) 

I had been sitting there beside the I-25 on ramp for about twenty minutes when a truck filled with construction equipment pulled off to the side and stopped. Batman and I ran up to the passenger side window and asked "Where you headed?" The guy inside said "Greeley." It wasn't far, but I really didn't care. Someone had actually stopped and was going in the right direction. We jumped in and off we went, one step closer to Portland.

Sean: (119 and I-25 to Greeley, CO) Sean was a college graduate who, after finishing college three years ago, had been working as a construction worker. He was beginning to worry that life was passing him by, and that maybe he had settled into an existence that was less than satisfactory.

Steve: (Greeley, CO to Fort Collins, CO) Steve, not two days earlier, had moved from Chicago to Fort Collins. Like myself, he had packed up and left without a place to stay or a job waiting for him, and leaving behind a storm of criticism from most of his friends and family. Steve was a cool guy. Since he didn't have a job yet, he was nice enough to drive me to the far north end of Fort Collins.

Paul the Racist: (Fort Collins, CO to Laramie, WY) Paul was an old white man who, for whatever reason, seemed to think that Mexicans were to blame for pretty much all of the problems plaguing America. I found it strange that he felt compelled to refer to them as Hispanics, or "those damn Hispanics" and not some of the other more colorful names our southernly neighbors have acquired over the years. He also claimed that he had no qualms with Mexicans who stayed in Mexico, and that they were all good hard working people. It was just those damn Illegals who came over and stole his jobs (as if all the jobs in America belonged to him) I waited until we were close to Laramie to calmly disclose that I had dated a "damned Illegal" for five years and that she had become a valuable part of her community. To which he responded "Well, I guess some of them can turn out all right."

Heidi and Karen: (Laramie, WY to Salt Lake City, UT) Heidi was a student at CU who was headed home for the summer and Karen was her mom. This was a really enjoyable ride. I didn't need to worry about Kelly or her mother robbing me, or sexually assaulting me, so I actually managed to catch some sleep. We ended up listening to my ipod, via my car charger/radio transmitter, and we had some pretty good conversations.

Salt Lake City: It was dusk when they dropped me off in Salt Lake City and I decided to explore a bit before heading off to catch my next ride. This was a huge mistake as I unknowingly wandered into the seedy underbelly of the city. I was surrounded by people who were wearing jeans and t-shirts, and sometimes their hair was long and unkempt. There wasn't a tie or button-up shirt or a pair of slacks to be seen. I even saw one guy smoking a cigarette. It was a harrowing experience and my whole concept of Salt Lake City was shattered! I'm just grateful I had Batman there to protect me, with his pointy teeth and his big strong muscles. Luckily we managed to find our way to the highway, before Batman was forced to defend us.

Morgan the Ladies Man: (Salt Lake City, UT to Tremonton, UT) After two hours of sitting with my thumb out (I think it was because it was dark) I managed to get a ride with Morgan. Morgan was a fellow couch surfer and traveler, but tonight he was just heading home from the symphony. Our conversation quickly became focused on the topic of fear, and the things we had done to overcome it. For Morgan, it wasn't jumping out of planes or picking up hitch hikers, it was talking with girls that frightened him the most. And in order to conquer this fear he had become part of a community of people known as PUAs, or pick up artists. For those of you who aren't familiar with the book The Game, a pick up artist is a man who is skilled or tries to be skilled at meeting, attracting and seducing women. The Game is a book that basically outlines how to become a PUA. From my limited knowledge of the book, most of the ways in which you achieved these ends was by using subtle manipulation and subversive psychology. But for Morgan it was more about how to increase the speed between meeting someone he was attracted to and really getting to know them. He explained the different approaches he might use to start a conversation with a total stranger and how he would lead it to a place where sincere, open conversation was possible. This was the first time I had experienced the methodology of The Game being used as a way to cultivate genuine human connection and to overcome personal boundaries (and not just to get laid). It was a good reminder that tools, whether they are physical or cognitive, are neutral and are only a way to increase the effectiveness of a person's efforts in reaching a specific goal. Whether that goal is good or bad, is up to the user.

Burger King and Father Time: Morgan dropped me in Tremonton, UT at approximately 11:30 pm, and since there was almost no traffic turning onto the highway there, I decided to go into a Burger King/gas station and see if I could strike up a conversation with any of the people stopping in to see if any of them were going my way. To make a long story short, this doesn't work very well. Sure people will talk to you, especially when you have a dog as epic as Batman, but as soon as you ask where they are headed, they tend not to want to talk with you anymore. So at about 1 am I sat down in the Burger King to rest and started up a conversation with a very old man with a very long white beard. (Thus the Father Time reference. I used my big boy brain to think that up all on my own!) Well, to be honest, it wasn't quite a conversation because he spoke so softly I could only understand about one in three words he was saying. I gathered that he lived somewhere nearby and that he owned a truck. Then he became adamant about buying Batman some Burger King, so he went over and spent ten dollars on a variety of hamburgers and fish sandwiches. He brought over the pile of "food", wished us good luck and told me that I could have whatever Batman didn't finish. He obviously didn't know Batman.

Tim the Big Black Trucker: Later that night (approx. 2 am) Batman and I relocated to a truck stop that had a TV lounge upstairs. Inside there was one couch, some chairs, a TV, and a big black trucker named Tim. I didn't get much of Tim's story, other than he was tired from driving all day. I sat next to him on the couch with Batman on my lap, watching late night reruns of crime dramas, and ended up falling asleep. I woke several times throughout the night feeling like I was being boiled in my own sweat. The combination of Batman, Tim and the fake leather couch created a sort of super furnace/insulator, but after a bit of adjustment I managed to get some sleep. In the morning Batman and I went downstairs and purchased the use of a shower. The woman who had been working all night informed me that at one point she had come upstairs and had seen me and Batman on the couch. But when she had approached us to tell us that we couldn't be in the lounge (as we were not truckers), Batman's eyes had opened slightly, like some stereotypical movie monster, and emitted a low growl of warning. She decided that she would let us sleep and just hope we woke up before her boss arrived in the morning. Batman = My Hero.

Zounds!!! Is Batman doomed to a life of truck stops and pleather couches? Will Alex be able to resist Tim's trucker charms? The answer to these and other questions next time. Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel.

And now some pictures for y'all to enjoy.

A very long staircase going up the side of a mountain. Almost a third of the way up, Yay!

The famous VooDoo Donut where I enjoyed my first Maple Bar, which is a long john with maple frosting and strips of bacon on top... it was so good it was redundant.

Batman loves to play the Put my mouth on the cat game. He wouldn't bite Maki the cat, he was simply determined to taste him a bit. And here is a picture of Sefo, (my first couch surfing host in Portland) trying to hold his cat Maki and repel Batman. It was quite the wrestling match and when it was over Sefo was curious where all the blood on his shirt had come from. It ended up that when Batman would pin down the cat and chew him gently, and Maki would go to town on Batman's face and neck with his claws. Batman didn't seem to mind.

This is just an average street in downtown Portland. It is ridiculously green and lush there.

Batman and I lounging in our Hostel bunk bed. Life is good.

Batman and Alex Start a Blog

I look pale next to Batman's golden brown tan.

So for those of you who don't know....at the end of March, (2010) I sold or gave away everything I own, except what I can carry on my back (okay, I kept some books), and have begun traveling around with my dog (Batman). Everyone I have talked with about this little escapade has insisted that I start a blog, so here it is.

Peer pressure 1, Alex 0. I hope you're all happy.

During the course of our adventures, I have only one rule. Anything that makes me nervous, apprehensive, or outright scared, I have to do it. This has encouraged me to engage in random conversations with strangers, walk Batman without a leash, live with people I barely know, and visit a medical marijuana farm in a random guys basement (and that's just the beginning of that story).

More on that later...

So far it's been amazing and I'll be adding more and more to this blog as this new life unfolds. I hope that this servers as a means of staying connected with, and becoming connected to, all the people out there that want to take part in this adventure with Batman and me.